Sunday, 11 October 2015

Trying for a Baby - The Highs and Lows

A while back we made a decision. One that would turn our world upside down for the second time. We were going to try for another baby!

Since Ted was born we had planned to try for another one when he turned two but December came and I just couldn't imagine having a newborn and a toddler to contend with. We decided to wait it out until Ted calmed down a little and 6 months on Ted has changed a lot. He is still a bit of a monkey and whizzes  around like a racing car most of the time but I would say 60% of the time he is calm and a joy to be around. Aren't all toddlers like that?

Trying for a baby wasn't an easy decision to come to and I have had so many emotions. I felt....

Terrified.

Of being pregnant again...After my last pregnancy consisted of months of HG and being admitted into hospital at 14 weeks with dehydration I was so scared it might happen again.

Of the unknown...Ted's labour was traumatic. An emergency c-section is not an easy thing to recover from both physically and emotionally and I wasn't sure how I would cope if anything like that happened again

That nobody would understand what I was going through... Last time around Joe really didn't understand my Hypermesis and neither did a lot of my close friends and family. They appreciated I felt 'a bit sick' but had no idea of the struggle I faced each day. It wasn't their fault, just 3 years ago HG was something few people had heard of but with The Duchess of Cambridge being diagnosed with it in both pregnancies public awareness for the condition has raised considerably.
That I would feel alone again. The anxiety that came from being sick or feeling sick on a daily basis. Letting my colleagues down and generally feeling like a lazy miserable cow for several months left me feeling isolated. I know for a fact that I wasn't alone and I had amazing friends and family around me but that feeling that nobody understood how I felt just wouldn't shift.
Excited.
 
At the prospect of bringing another child into the world. Growing them inside my womb and creating a new life.

About giving Ted a brother or sister and Joe another beautiful child.

To be Mummy to another child and watching my children bond.

Secretly, about getting to buy baby clothes again and try all the latest products on the market.

About having a bump again! I loved my bump first time round and feeling those tiny little kicks were the best thing ever!

Worried.

I wouldn't be strong enough to cope this time round.
That it would damage mine and Joe's relationship as last time was so hard on both of us. We bickered a lot back then as Joe didn't understand how I felt or how to deal with hormonal mood swings. I wanted him to be 100% supportive like the men you read about online, running to the shops at 3am to satisfy their wife's cravings for pickles! I had huge expectations that Joe was never going to be able to live up to. Hell, no man could live up to them!
 
That I could never love the next baby as much as I do Ted.
That our family was perfect the way it was and we would be stupid to rock the boat.
 
That we couldn't afford another baby.

That our house is too small.

That my c-section would cause problems this time round.
 
Excited again!
Terrified again!
Worried again...then just content.

I was open with Joe the whole way through and we discussed all the feelings I was having. Joe has always been so broody and I knew his views on the matter but felt as I was going to have to carry the baby he needed to know exactly how I was feeling.
Communication is key in these situations. The reason we struggled last time was because we didn't talk enough and since having Ted we have learnt so much about each other and Joe is my best friend so who better to share my thoughts with?
We realised other people have multiple children and love them all the same. We definitely could afford another child. We would face the HG as a team if it came back. We would talk more and are stronger than we were before. We would get me help earlier if I was sick so that I didn't get dehydrated and we would be more prepared this time round.
So...Content! This is how I now feel.
 
3 weeks from the day I had my coil taken out. I have been through a roller coaster of emotions. Trying for a baby is something we haven't been through as Ted was a surprise baby. It's different to anything I could ever explain as you are literally making the biggest decision of your life and there is so much pressure.
Once we came to a decision and rolled with it the pressure was off and it was just a case of trying and seeing how we got on. We were going to relax and see how things went for a few months, no testing kits, cycle trackers or stress. Just good old fashioned *whispers* 'grown up time' a few times a week and see what happens.

We are still trying as I write this but will only hit publish when we have conceived so by the time you read this *fingers crossed it is soon* I will be growing a little baby!



An update...

As some of you may know I did fall pregnant. I had a baby for a little while but sadly miscarried a few weeks into the pregnancy. I have recovered really well and despite a few tearful days I am doing really well. We went on a break to Alton Towers as a family and I think it was just what we needed. The second we arrived I felt a huge release and spending quality time with my boys was so special. We are trying again and know that one day we will have the baby we long for, it may just take a bit longer.

 

5 comments:

  1. Oh honey, I can relate to all of your emotions. There's always worry about such a responsibility but as a Mama you just manage and do your best.

    I'm sure your time will come again very soon xx sending lots of love

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  2. I hope you get pregnant very soon with a sticky baby, I am so sorry about your loss xx

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  3. I am so sorry for your loss but I am sure you will have a little one that sticks around a bit longer soon. Trying for a baby is a scary time, my first was a surprise too and it felt strange to be doing it on purpose but two is amazing and Ted will make a wonderful big brother when the time is right xxx

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    1. Thank you Becky. It is such a strange and emotional experience. I am tracking ovulation etc at the moment and I am sure we will have some luck soon! :) xxx

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    2. Thank you Becky. It is such a strange and emotional experience. I am tracking ovulation etc at the moment and I am sure we will have some luck soon! :) xxx

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