Dearest Dream Baby.
It doesn't quite feel real. One day I was about to become a Mum of two. Ted was going to be a big brother and we were finally going to be a family of four.
The second that test result appeared I saw you. I saw my bump steadily growing. You entering the world. Ted meeting you for the first time and our whole life was mapped out before me.
I dared to dream.
Perhaps because I wanted you so bad I convinced myself that that faint cross of a positive test was because my hormone levels weren't high enough yet. A cross was a cross right?
We couldn't contain our happiness and told our loved ones including Ted. He kissed my stomach that night. He held me and whispered "ah baby". I felt my heart burst with pride.
The next day my heart broke.
Two days. Just two days and I went from feeling the happiest I think I have ever been to feeling completely and utterly broken.
How can I feel like this? I was 6 weeks along if that.
Were you even there? A 6 week old foetus has a heartbeat but was I really 6 weeks or was it just a couple of weeks and a bundle of cells?
I will never know but it's not the contents of my womb I am grieving for. It is the dream. The dream of a child that would never be.
The world is moving on around me. People walk past and all I can think is how they just don't know what is going on inside my body. I don't begrudge them for that. Life must go on and my head tells me I need to be strong, dust myself off and soldier on through.
I am always fighting a losing battle with my logical mind and my emotions. This day is no different.
I learnt today that I am great at putting on a brave face. I manage to hide my pain deep down where nobody really knows it's there. I smile, make jokes, act like everything is normal but it isn't. I am still bleeding, I don't know how long it will take for my body to be back to normal. I feel tired and sick and I am taking each minute as it comes but I smile on.
I cuddle Ted that little bit closer, I try to show him everything is ok and that Mummy is alright because it worries him to see me cry.
I hold Joe that little bit tighter because I know he is hurting as well. He had those dreams too.
I know it will take time and we will come out of this and we will keep trying. One day we will add to our family but it wasn't our time.
It wasn't your time.