Thursday, 17 September 2015

Dream Baby

Dearest Dream Baby.

It doesn't quite feel real. One day I was about to become a Mum of two. Ted was going to be a big brother and we were finally going to be a family of four.

The second that test result appeared I saw you. I saw my bump steadily growing. You entering the world. Ted meeting you for the first time and our whole life was mapped out before me.

I dared to dream.

Perhaps because I wanted you so bad I convinced myself that that faint cross of a positive test was because my hormone levels weren't high enough yet. A cross was a cross right?

We couldn't contain our happiness and told our loved ones including Ted. He kissed my stomach that night. He held me and whispered "ah baby". I felt my heart burst with pride.

The next day my heart broke.

Two days. Just two days and I went from feeling the happiest I think I have ever been to feeling completely and utterly broken.

How can I feel like this? I was 6 weeks along if that.

Were you even there? A 6 week old foetus has a heartbeat but was I really 6 weeks or was it just a couple of weeks and a bundle of cells?

I will never know but it's not the contents of my womb I am grieving for. It is the dream. The dream of a child that would never be.

The world is moving on around me. People walk past and all I can think is how they just don't know what is going on inside my body. I don't begrudge them for that. Life must go on and my head tells me I need to be strong, dust myself off and soldier on through.

I am always fighting a losing battle with my logical mind and my emotions. This day is no different.

I learnt today that I am great at putting on a brave face. I manage to hide my pain deep down where nobody really knows it's there. I smile, make jokes, act like everything is normal but it isn't. I am still bleeding, I don't know how long it will take for my body to be back to normal. I feel tired and sick and I am taking each minute as it comes but I smile on.

I cuddle Ted that little bit closer, I try to show him everything is ok and that Mummy is alright because it worries him to see me cry.

I hold Joe that little bit tighter because I know he is hurting as well. He had those dreams too.

I know it will take time and we will come out of this and we will keep trying. One day we will add to our family but it wasn't our time.

It wasn't your time.

15 comments:

  1. I am so very sorry to read this Jade. I truly understand what you are going through and I never want anyone to feel this pain. I marked the first anniversary of our first one last year by buying an orchid (never really said anything about it before). It blooms so much and gives me such comfort. The pain will ease but the memory never goes away. Thinking of you xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sending lots of love to you all x

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh Honey, I am sat here crying, have felt this pain and the horror of mine being operations to remove babies twice and with it my dreams of getting pregnant naturally. It is a dream to have that life inside, though unfelt and by the world unseen. The sadness is sometimes even greater as with this loss, nobody really sends cards, flowers, no official family goodbye, but the loss is still a huge loss. I can only tell you I am grieving for you right now
    and hope you both find a way through the next few days. xxx Jo x

    ReplyDelete
  4. I cannot express how much I am thinking of you right now. I've been there, I've never been brave enough to talk about it. Like Victoria said, the pain will ease, but the memory will always stay. You also don't have to be strong all the time xxx

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am so sorry to read this lovely. There are no words. I am thinking of you and your gorgeous family and sending love xx

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hugs Jade. Sorry to hear this. Hope your dream baby does come sometime soon.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh Jade, I'm so sorry! That's very crappy news indeed :-(

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh hun. I am so so sorry for your loss. I wish I had the words that would make it all better. Thinking of you all xxx

    ReplyDelete
  9. Sending lots of love jade.
    It doesn't matter how far along you are it still hurts like hell.
    I've had 5 myself from early ones to later ones needing that horrid operation. The pain is still the same xx

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am so sorry to hear this Jade. Sending you all my love. Xx

    ReplyDelete
  11. huge ((hugs))) lovely, I can only say I know how you feel, the pain is raw and real but you have the best attitude over it all, I'm a real believer in fate, you time will come hun xx

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh darling I'm so, so sorry. It doesn't matter how far along you were, you've lost your baby and that's something you need to give yourself time and space to grieve for. Loads of love and hugs sweetie xxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  13. You and Joe will have your meant-to-be-baby when the time is right. It will be so loved and so wanted and embraced into the big, loving family we are all lucky enough to be a part of. I'm so proud of you both. Stay strong my lovely xxx

    ReplyDelete
  14. My beautiful Jade. I love you honey bun and it will happen. Hug those 2 boys of yours and keep the dream well and truly alive. Rest assured when it turns into a reality it will be sweeter because of what you've experienced xx

    ReplyDelete

I love hearing from my readers and will try to respond to all comments if possible! :)